TWENTY

In celebration of our 20th Wedding Anniversary I give you my

Top 20 list of sure-fire marital advice 

that's gotten us through the last twenty years:

1. Don't laugh at your spouse when they get hurt.  Especially if they got hurt doing something really stupid and it REALLY is funny.  And, if you should forget and accidentally break this rule, try really hard not to point at your spouse while you are in hysterics. 
2. Get a car with duel heat zones.
3. Establish a NO COUNTRY MUSIC policy BEFORE you get married.  Get it in writing.  Seal it in blood.
4. When you give a gift to your spouse, don't get one for yourself too.  The latter cancels out the former.  Unless it's a pair of Harley-Davidsons, then perhaps the selfish gesture could be overlooked.
5. Avoid correcting love notes for spelling and grammar.  The note sender will tend to want to take back all the nice things they've said...and then smack you upside the head in an ever so slight rampage.
6. Embezzling money from your joint checking account is only okay if you're using the unscrupulous funds to buy a gift for your unsuspecting spouse.  And once the gift is given, never ever reveal the particulars of how you were able to divert said funds without arousing their suspicion.  Just in case you have to do it again for your own selfish purposes.
7. Buying exercise equipment for your spouse is not considered a loving gesture.
8. Scuba Dive together.  Seriously, this will troubleshoot any of your communication problem areas.  You'll learn some handy gestures that work both underwater, on land, and even through security glass should one of you have to visit the other in jail. 
   
9. Referring to you wife as "your bride" even after 20 years of marriage scores you some big points.
10. Get her door.  Yes it's old fashioned.  Yes it's time consuming.  But it's totally impressive.
11. Grow a big lawn.  Husbands like to mow, it's therapeutic and often considered a competitive sport among the male species.  They like to brag about having the best grass in the neighborhood.  This keeps them outside where they will get in less trouble...and it's cheaper than most other hobbies.  A wife who's got a small yard, heaven help her.
12. Never play Monopoly together.  This is marital suicide. 
13. Occasionally remind your spouse of marriage vows they didn't actually make.  You'll find they were so nervous when the actual ceremony took place that they will never admit they don't really remember making that particular vow.  It will surprise you what you can get them to do, all because they don't want to have to admit to you that they weren't really paying attention!
14. In the Pre-Nup, designate who will clean up blood, guts, and barf.  Get it notarized.  The last thing you want to decide on during the maiden voyage into the slimy and disgusting part of parenthood is who exactly is on clean-up duty and when and if their shift ends.  Things can go very wrong if you haven't worked out this important quandary far ahead of these sort of horrific episodes.  Especially if neither of you planned on doing this at all---ever.
15. Rock, Paper, Scissors is the best way to solve marital disagreements.  This has decided a lot of our unsolvable quandaries; everything from who gets to name the baby to who has to clean up the puke.  Just make sure you establish whether the first round decides your fate or if you're playing for the best two out of three. Because if you disagree on this, the game of Rock, Paper, and Scissors can't solve that.
16. Get a king-sized bed.  If this piece of advise doesn't sound like a good idea, you've probably never been elbowed in the face in the middle of the night.  Trust me, you'll want to incorporate this into your marriage long BEFORE it becomes necessary.  Just go ahead and do it now. 
17. Don't marry a morning person if your a night owl.  Their happiness and glee at 5am will totally annoy you for the rest of your married life.
18. Pass mushy notes back and forth via your kids.  Our kids roll their eyes each time we play this game.  We call it, "Here, hand this to your father/mother".  We play for hours, passing notes back and forth with slightly risque dialog-just enough to embarrass the kids.  Be sure to fold the note several times and warn them NOT to read it, that way they'll be sure to take a peek and die of embarrassment.
19. Read self-help books and discreetly highlight the stuff your spouse needs to work on.  They'll think you're lovingly working on your own self-improvement and feel a compulsion to read your book when you've finished it.  Then voila!  Operation Transformation!  NOTE: This only works two or three times during the life-span of any given marriage so make sure every book counts.
20. Time Outs work on husbands too.  Remember the rule of thumb, one minute for every year of their age.

You know you've been married a long time when the sunglasses 

you wore when you were dating are cool again.