A weird and wonderful phenomenon has belched onto the Skillman radar; it's called
The Performance Review.
Since Mark spent the last two decades working for himself, and only just recently entered into the professional mainstream of company life, "The Performance Review" is virgin territory for us. But oh so delightful may I say. This concept is delicious! An annual review of one's performance, no holds barred!
And added to this, the very same week of Mark's PR, the kid's report cards also came out! I got to thinking how lucky the bosses and teachers all are to be given the opportunity to critique their subjects under the auspices that it's all for
the good of the subject. Simply beautiful!
And since I too work with these individuals I decided I'd like a crack at it too! This, in my opinion, is an untapped goldmine of information my family could desperately use! And so, with great pleasure and satisfaction, I give you...
Skillman Scuttlebutt's
2010 Household Performance Reviews
Mark:
Cooperation, Communication, and Teamwork- Exceeded
COMMENTS: Yes, this is a surprise to me too. But I must admit, this is an area where everyone in the household has seen much improvement on the part of the husband/father figure. Admittedly, the word "exceeded" may have been used because, as with any male, the standard for cooperation, communication, and teamwork has been set abysmally low which means that when any effort is put forth, it often exceeds ALL expectations. But nonetheless...Good Job Honey!
Use of Company Family Car- Needs Improvement
COMMENTS: Reverse is not this mans strong suit. This puts the family at risk of undo embarrassment when folks point at the car's bumper and ask, "What happened there??"
Shoe Management- Needs Improvement
COMMENTS: This is an area which stands in need of serious improvement. Others in the household have had to navigate injury causing landmines of jogging shoes, mud boots, dress shoes, and oversized Uugs. The strange thing is, I married this man because he was fairly organized and clean so this shoe business in mind boggling. A plan should be adopted and instructions given so that Mark can gain more knowledge on the correct way to use his closet's ample shoe shelves.
Entertainment Coordination- Exceeded
COMMENTS: You never know what stunt/competition/journey/incident/trek/adventure Mark is going to get us into but we do know it's sure to be fun/dangerous/adventuresome/entertaining/unique/impromptu.
Sneezing Decibels- Needs SERIOUS Improvement
COMMENTS: Somehow Mark operates under the wicked delusion that a sneeze is not a sneeze unless it is done so loudly that it shatters eardrums. No matter how much we make him aware of how extremely uncouth his fiendish frenzy is, he has never even attempted to improve upon this matter. This is especially criminal when trapped in a car with him when he feels so inclined to sneeze. We call it the "Mucus Massacre". A few weeks ago, after hearing his sister sneeze, I am totally convinced the decibel level may just be genetic, however this does not soften the blow. He CLAIMS it can't be helped but mysteriously I've never heard him do this at church, in a library, during a business meeting (not that I've been to many of his business meetings-I'm just assuming here), or near any small sleeping babies. Therefore I conclude that despite his foul genetic pre-disposition to sneeze at a decibel which Satan could be belched out, it CAN and SHOULD be muted when others are confined near you. Definitely needs improvement.
Proper Use of Corrective Lenses- Met
COMMENTS: Since buying Mark "approved" reading glasses he has been much better at wearing the accepted models which have the appearance of regular glasses. Although compliance to new rules on approved eye wear has been slow and reluctant on his part, it has been a necessary step as his "on-the-tip-of-the-nose-grampa-readers" were too much for the others in the household to bare. Especially his YOUNG wife.
Alarm Clock Management- Needs Improvement
COMMENTS: For the love of all that's holy, this is a much needed area of serious improvement. To my knowledge this man has never ever needed an alarm to wake him up yet he insists on setting it each and every night. By the time he is already left the house and gone to work his alarm suddenly goes off and wakes the rest of us. This is especially annoying on the weekends. There is much suspicion that the real evil plot behind this alarm setting scandal is to make sure the others in the house get up and outta bed in the morning. We're on to you and may have to submit an official warning.
Overall Performance Rating- Exceeded
COMMENTS: Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to let most of the neutral and negative reviews slide and give him an extremely positive overall performance rating as he has just taken me on a vacation. I am feeling calm, rested, and in a forgiving mood. Plus he's cute. And I'd like to encourage him to do it again.
Mitchell:
Grades- Exceeded
COMMENTS: We were elated to see Mitchell's school performance improve and we're quick to let our auto insurance know of his good deeds. Ahhh! We can already feel the monthly savings!
Fly-Away Hair Management- Met
COMMENTS: Technically the hair merits a "needs improvement". Although, thankfully, Mitchell likes to keep his hair short and trimmed, the poor guy has straight blond hair that essentially does nothing but stick up strait like a troll doll. However, his personal management in this area merits "exceeded" due to the fact that over that last blustery cold months Mitchell has chosen to wear a hat every day to school. So between the two issues, it all averages out to qualify for "MET".
Gas Card Usage- Exceeded
COMMENT: There is no dispute here that Mitchell is very very good at using the family gas card. But to his credit, he is also really good at playing taxi for his brother and sister, getting himself to his early morning classes, and, most importantly, going on all-important and much needed coke and chocolate runs for his parents. (This is sort of like being a rum runner.)
Room Up Keep- Needs Improvement
COMMENTS: His lackadaisical technique of keeping the shades drawn does not camouflage the carnage on the floor.
Sucking Bandwidth- Exceeded
COMMENTS: When this kid's got all of his electronics up and running, heaven help the rest of us get on the internet. We've even got wireless high-speed internet but somehow this boy can suck more bandwidth than an internet cafe.
Fighting Foreign Wars- Exceeded
COMMENTS: Anyone in need of a 16th century fighter who knows the ins and outs of ancient Italian cities? We've got your man. He's a natural born killer. Makes a mom proud.
Overall Performance Rating- Exceeded
COMMENTS: This is one great kid, despite the messy room.
Connor:
Room Up Keep- Met
COMMENTS: Minimal usage of his room and sleeping on TOP of the made bed are two reasons Connor is doing so well in this area. This is either do to laziness or just plain street smarts. We haven't surmised which as of yet.
Hugs- Exceeded
COMMENTS: Connor never forgets to give hugs. Even public hugging which for an almost 12-year old boy is quite remarkable. This is definitely his strong suit. He's also developing the skill of the back scratch which is a delight to others. Caution is needed around bedtime as he tends to use his hugs as an excuse to avoid a prompt bedtime.
Deodorant Usage- Needs Improvement
COMMENT: You know there is vast room for improvement in this area when your little sister submits a note to her parents that says, "Can you please tell Connor to wear deodorant?" We're thinking of inventing a sort of soap-on-a-rope type deal where we duct tape a string to the stick's cap and dangle it from the bathroom ceiling. High visibility, ease of use, maximum pleasure for everyone. We'll let you know if it works.
Trash Duties- Met
COMMENTS: While Connor is always pleasant and quick to take the trash out when asked, we would like to see him develop the skill of becoming an independent self-starter in this area.
Overall Performance Rating- Exceeded
COMMENTS: You simply can't trash on a kid who's such a great hugger...just pray he put on deodorant first. Hopefully his excellent overall rating earns me a nice back scratch.
Chloe:
Paper Hoarding- Exceeded
COMMENTS: There is no amount of bulk paper that can keep up with Chloe's highly efficient secretarial skills. There is not a note that doesn't get written, a story that doesn't get typed out and printed, suggestion that doesn't get submitted, and art work drawn. The next step could be to focus her skills on recycling. And, staying out of others private hidden stashes. She's been able to uncover every spot in the house where we keep paper hidden.
Hair Coiffing- Exceeded
COMMENTS: As her mother is derelict in this area Chloe has taken it upon herself to be a self-starter where her personal haircare is concerned. We are often surprised by the detail and
originality of her stylish hairdos. Ponytails, pigtails, and ponytails WITH pigtails are all apart of her amazing repertoire.
Sock Matching- Exceeded
COMMENTS: This amazing skill of Chloe's was discovered after reprimanding her for some minor infraction. But she set out with a HUGE basket full of single socks and took to the project as if she was head of the online company e-Harmony. She paired every last sock and matched them all perfectly...then asked if there were any more. We quickly learned this is definitely not a task to assign her if you're intending to give her a work release program from time-outs.
Suggestion Giver- Exceeded
COMMENTS: Chloe is brimming with improvement ideas. She is the reason we don't have a suggestion box in the house or it would always be full! Her recommendations are all spot on, such as; whose laundry needs to be done because they've been repeatedly wearing the same thing to school, whose bedtime check-list should be double and triple checked for accuracy, which boy's bathroom needs urgent cleaning and urgent de-germ-ing, and of course, who in the house could use with a generous application of deodorant.
Overall Performance Rating- Exceeded
COMMENTS: This "exceeded" rating came as a suggestion from Chloe. She's probably right.
Okay, I just can't help it. Last but not least, a self-evaluation.
Stacy:
Confessing Others Sins- Exceeded
COMMENTS: Ever since the discovery of the blog, my family has not had a moment of private shame.
Boaaahaha!
Attention to Laundry- Needs Serious Improvement
COMMENTS: Despite having a large laundry room, a huge washing machine, and two dryers, I still can't manage to get motivated to get in there and get it done. And socks? That is why the invention of the laundry basket was one of the greatest contributions to modern society. So all socks could be tossed immediately from the dryer into a laundry basket and whomever angers mother first, would get the first crack at being forced to match the socks. Too bad no one around here has angered me-there's a basket full of sock singles that's growing bigger each day. Likelihood of improvement in this area is, quite frankly, dismal.
Going Green- Met
COMMENTS: Yes, who would have thunk it. But I'm slowly making the change. I love love love the switch-over to "green" grocery bags. Not so much because they save the "e-word" but because they're soo much easier to use than the plastic kind, and most importantly, the kid's disgusting white bread doesn't get squished. I've also converted from driving "The Beast" to a smaller town car (no not a Prius!). However, thanks to Toyota, this greener approach may be offset by the fact that my lovely Camry could speed up at any time and become a weapon of mass destruction. Water conservation is at an all-time high around our house as a few of my kids hate to shower. My big faux pas could be that I love the feel of wood heat, and I like being warm. This may mean that the aforementioned good measures just might be canceled out by my chimney spewing like Chernobyl throughout the entire winter. But a warm and cozy mom, is a happy mom...and that goes a long way to save the ever important home environment.
Leg Shaving- Exceeded
COMMENTS: I'm proud to report, that I've been fastidiously keeping my legs nice and smooth and lightly moisturized all throughout the winter, which, in years past, has been somewhat of a challenge.
Facebooking- Needs Improvement
COMMENTS: Honestly, I've tried it. I think I've exasperated everyone by being a serious no-show. I don't check it very often. I get a little weary over the strange habits other people love to publicly display like collecting farm animals, sending pokes, and becoming a fan of Jesus . I have a special disdain for the cutesy messages couples send back and forth as if it's a special thing just between two lovebirds. The one exception to it all is that I love reading my brother-in-law's page for his witty rapid fire status updates. Ron, you amuse me and keep me coming back to FB. When I do get on, I use it for sending mail and making a comment here or there just to keep the masses happy. But I much prefer the Blog. It's delicious! No trading farm animals here!
Overall Performance Rating- Met
COMMENTS: My awkward combination of sin confessing, laundry avoiding, green turning, leg shaving, and lack of Facebooking hopefully puts me somewhere in the middle. But of course, it's my blog, I didn't really take a poll and ask anyone. That's the beauty of the whole thing.
