Cooler Coasting??

My kids kill me.  They've got all kinds of outside toys: bikes, skateboards, scooters, and even gas powered go-karts.  So today, when I look outside to see what they're up to, this is what I see:

They're coasting around the driveway on our coolers!  And apparently there's more than one way to coast a cooler; lid up and lid down:

all depending upon the amount of danger you are seeking.  This goes to show; you give a kid a gift, they play with the box.  I think I'll be shopping in cardboard dumpsters for their Christmas gifts this year.  We'll both be thrilled!

All Pumped Up!

No more shots!

Chole got hooked up to her brand-new PINK insulin pump yesterday. The pink pumps are a brand-new color, hot off the presses. Chloe says the blue ones and the teal ones, and even the clear ones just wouldn't do. Whatever the color, we're all pretty excited.

Insulin pumps are simply AMAZING. I call them "A Mom in a Box" 'cause these little pager-looking things practically do everything I'm used to doing, including all the math and calculations on how much insulin to give. Ahhhhhhhh!

In the meantime, while we're getting doses dialed in, we're checking her bloodsugars every couple of hours throughout the day and night...which makes me thankful the days of having a newborn baby around the house are LONG GONE.  Ahhhhhhhhh...times two!

What Mothers Shouldn't Know

Mitchell’s scout troop just got back from climbing Mt. Thielsen and all the leaders seemed pretty impressed that Mitchell scaled to the top of it bare handed. They even showed me photos to prove it. I wasn’t really sure what all the hubbub was about really.  Admittedly, I thought he was a little too close to the edge in the photos and the rocky top of the mountain seemed a tad steep.  But Mitchell likes to hike and climb, no story there.

It wasn’t until last weekend, while driving to Sun River, that I looked out of the car window into the distance and saw a familiar shape on top of a large mountain.  I realized it was from the photos of Mitchell.  To my horror, the tip of the mountain top in the zoomed-in photo wasn't just a rocky craig jutting up from a gentle sloping mountain.  The entire mountain was one big ‘trip and you’re dead’ steep.

“Oh my gosh! He climbed to the top of that?!”

Everyone in the car looked at me with that, ‘well, duh!  Why’d you think everyone was making a big deal about it’  sort of look.

So, I guess that would also explain why everyone was so amused by the photo of Mitchell's cousin Bryce who is afraid of heights:

 

Isn’t there an official Scout Leaders Handbook??

And if there is, this sort of tale with its accompanying photographs should be the sort of subject found under the heading: “What Mothers Shouldn’t Know”.

A Ban on Pokey Things

Squeamish readers beware!

A new family rule has been added to the Skillman household.  Not that we have that many rules, the ones on the books here at home are mostly the “do what your parents say and everything will be fine” kinda rules.  But after yesterday’s events we decided to add a new one:  A ban on all pokey things.

The dire need for this new resolution became clear last night when Mitchell came bounding up the stairs and said, “Mom, Dad needs you really bad.  He said for me to tell you to bring the tweezers.”

Hmmm.

So I casually get up and Mitchell continues, “Uh mom, I think you need to hurry.”

Okay,  now I’m curious.  I sprint down the stairs and pass Connor and Chloe who are both wide-eyed and pale faced.  This has me a bit worried.  As I turn the corner, there’s Mark on the mud room floor in serious pain holding his foot. 

Turns out he’s got a splinter and quite frankly, he’s being a real baby about it.  I look at his foot and there a teensy-weensy wood fiber stuck in his foot.  He’s muttering something about being careful and that it feels really deep, then he practically faints upon the floor.  I grab the tweezers and begin to pull out the offending object only to discover…the little fiber pinched in my tweezers, it’s the tip of an iceberg! 

At this point I must tell you I’m THE go-to gal in the house where blood and guts are concerned.  Gore simply fascinates me and the worse the better.  While this bizarre talent is a mother's best friend, what I do not do is barf clean up…of any kind.  I would have made a magnificent ER doc right up until the moment the patient puked…then I would have run!  Make that, puked and run (my friend Dave refers to it as being a "Chain-Chucker").  Blood and guts though, it's my strong suit.  But, due to an outbreak of events at the Skillman house,  I have recently discovered my all-time achilies heal when it comes to blood and guts…The Puncture Wound!  (cue foreboding music.)

Upon the casual grab of Mark’s splinter, the room about me begins to spin wildy when I discover it is a serious puncture wound.  My three kids are now the shade of snow seeing my ER game face begin to fade, and Mark begins to hollar. 

“Hold still,” I say,  trying to summon my courage, then I bluntly mutter,  “This is really gonna hurt!”

I give the thing a strong pull.  To my horror I pull out almost an ENTIRE toothpick from his foot!!

To coin a funny phrase from Chloe years ago… “I felt a heebie-jeebie come up”.

I push my thumb hard on the entry site but not before massive amounts of blood gush all over my hand and floor.  Mark is still yelping on the floor.  Chloe has begun to cry hysterically, Connor has backed himself into the farthest point in the room, and Mitchell stands wide-eyed.  Thankfully Mitchell (cue gallant and heroic music) recovered the fastest and fetched me some Neosporin and, thinking clearly under stress, grabbed a very masculine camouflage green Band-Aid instead of the pink Barbie ones. 

Now, I must admit the great thing about puncture wounds (once you get passed the light-headed, everything-about-you-is-swirling,  run from the room hysically screaming stage) is that if the offending object is skinny, it usually stops bleeding fairly quickly.  And, now that the wound is no longer of the punture sort,  being downgraded to my comfort zone of a simple blood and guts injury, I am feeling much better.  Mark is not.

Mark hollers, “What the heck was in my foot?”

I quickly hide the toothpick under the mud-room rug and say, “You don’t wanna know.  I will tell you later when we can laugh about it.”

The whole episode would be laughable, and it is, except for the fact that I had also suffered from the same diabolical torture just months earlier!  Yes, we have ourselves an outbreak of puncture wounds around the Skillman house!

Mine was a large sewing needle that embedded the ENTIRE WAY into my leg as I knelt on the carpet reaching for something in one of the kids rooms.  The whole needle!  In my leg!  And no one was brave enough to pull it out but me!  As I pulled it out, I had visions of that scene in Rambo, the one where he's sewing up his own arm.  Me and Rambo, against the world, only he is using the needle ON his arm, I am pulling one OUT of my freaking leg.  And in my scene, the room is spinning.

So, Mark and I have enacted a ban.  Effective NOW.  No more pokey things are to be used around the house by children…ever! 

The new ban includes:

• sewing needles 
• toothpicks  
• kabob skewers 
• corn cob holders 
• mis-shapen paper clips
  
• tiny miniature-golf pencils 
• spaghetti noodles 
• meat thermometers 
• coctail swords
  
• thumb tacks 
• letter openers
  
• any award that is fastened by a pin

AND, said parents, reserve the right to add, at any time, more things to the banned pokey things list as we see fit.  AMEN.

The PERFECT Gift

Last week, an unexpected and belated fortieth birthday gift arrived on my doorstep. It came from my friend Cindy who became my instant best friend when I moved to Oregon, some thirty years ago. Cindy will probably kill me for

1. pointing out the fact that we're old enough to have a friend for over thirty years and...
2. posting this photo of us...

 Unfortunately it was the only photo I could find without going deep into the archives. I shall preempt most of her complaints by telling you this was NOT an everyday picture of us, we were actually dressed up in country costume (although the costume may not be too far from the truth!).

Just days before Cindy's own 40th birthday, she mailed a gift.  Inside was the most PERFECT birthday gift ever...dare I say I've never seen anyone own anything like it, but I'll let Cindy explain.

Cindy will now be my first official "guest blogger".  Here are excerpts from the letter inside the box...

"I know this letter may come as a surprise given my history of avoiding written communication in the form of letter writing, no to mention blogging, tweeting, etc. as much as possible without causing offense.  So, you may need to find a chair and sit down while you read this to avoid undue stress on your aging organs.

Well, the reason for my letter is simply to wish you a belated birthday.  I've been thinking about you this summer and anticipating your birthday but not knowing exactly what to get a friend who has it all.  Contemplating what is the perfect gift for someone who has earned many titles to date including  friend, wife, mother, mother-in-law, and now grandmother lurking just around the corner.  At this time, nearly three weeks has passed since the anticipated birthday even had come and gone and still I was at a loss.

It was in this state of mind that I found myself standing in the Nordstrom gift department several weeks ago (I must mention here that Cindy works for Nordstrom)...I was secretly trying to find just the perfect gift...at a clearance/employee discounted price which would be concealed...until the item was returned or exchanged at a later date when...undoubtedly it would be disappointing to discover the item's cash value was far less than anticipated.  I surveyed the racks for possibilities...I reluctantly decided to abandon the ill-fated shopping trip...

 As I exited by yet another table strewn with overpriced, bejeweled frames, something so simple yet so compelling caught my eye.  Really, the juxtaposition of the two items on the table left me wondering if the sales person had any idea what statement he or she were making when they laid out these two items on display.   I stopped to consider what at first appeared to be discarded portions of a cardboard box,  perhaps forgotten when a pair of aging Jr. League ladies stopped in to purchase overpriced, Swarovski crystal studded ceramic food dish for their pet chihuahuas.  Upon further investigation, the plain, accordion folded cardboard objects were exactly what I had been looking for all summer!  It turns out, the PERFECT GIFT for a lifetime friend who has everything, it is so simple it borders on ridiculous.  The perfect gift for my now 40 year old friend is a cardboard vase that can also be worn as a hat!  It meets all the requirements:

• Environmentally Friendly-  It is made of recycled cardboard so you can proudly wear it downtown Ashland without fear of attack by environmental enthusiasts.
  

• Chic- Strait off the runway, appropriate in both Manhattan and Lithia parks
  

• Unique- You will be the first one wearing it in the Rogue Valley.  Perhaps even some aspiring entrepreneur will see you in it and be inspired to reopen Rare Earth and become a millionaire.
  

• Multifunctional- Fashion for your head and home.  when you come home from picking the kids up at baseball practice, and you have only 20 minutes until your dinner party guest arrive, simply remove the hat and place it on the table.  Add a handful of tulips and you have the perfect center piece.  Don't add water.
  

• Clever- Acquaintances will be so stunned by your appearance, they will forget to ask how old you just turned and you will be spared all the "over-the-hill" cliches.
  

• Funny- Need I say more?

Oh Cindy!  THANK YOU!  I am...well...speechless!  And, that my friend, is quite an accomplishment!

Here's my lovely hat/vase...I had the perfect flowers to display in it;  some beautiful duct tape roses made by Mitchell, no water needed for these beauties...

And here I am wearing my lovely hat/vase:

Jealous?  I thought so...I shall proudly wear this to the elementary school's open house this week.  Very posh.  The other mother's will be corrugated with envy!

Now...what to get for Cindy?

Home School(Day Two): A Story Problem

Day Two...things are going well so far. I spend my days hoping a room mother will show up with cupcakes.

A peculiar problem arose today when we started doing Janelle's math. She's working on counting money but apparently someone in the house decided to give us a story problem to work out instead. Can you tell from the photo below what's missing?

Let me help you out with the story problem...
A sweet girl named Janelle left her math book sitting on the counter. Along with her math book she left 5 pennys, 5 nickels, 10 dimes, 4 quarters, and a dollar coin. When she returned she discovered a certain hoodlum in the house had taken some of her money. How much did the hoodlum take? And, how hard should we flog said hoodlum?

The important lesson here is that the hoodlum mistook the dollar coin for some cheap arcade token and not for real money. Here in the states we still can't get over the fact that money can come in a variety of different colors and sizes and still actually be REAL. I am now requesting all my dollar bills be exchanged for Miss Liberty dollar coins seeing that they will probably disappear out of my purse far less frequently than the green bills do now.

To add a little fun to home school I decided Janelle must be prepared to become a world traveler so I made her calculate the current exchange rates on the following coins:

Tomorrow I plan to discuss home school uniforms...

Home School Mom for a Day…or Two!

Home Schooling.  Yes, the “H” word.  I swore I’d never do it.  But, a few years back my sister-in-law Wendy, who very superbly teaches her kids from home, left town and I got a crack at being a substitute teacher to her kids.  This substitute teacher thing was kinda fun.  Wielding all that power over little children…oh the joy!  Forcing them to read and write…and do scary math problems!  It was wonderful.  I personally feel I did much to improve their math skills, mostly because I forced them into running a lap around the house each time they got a problem wrong!  I called it “Active Learning”.  I’m not sure my nieces and nephews had ever experienced such methods (highly effective methods I might add) from such a diabolical teacher so intent on expanding young minds.  I must mention here that my sister-in-law has never asked me to do it again.  Hmmmm…

Well today she gave me a second chance!  Wendy left her youngest daughter Janelle with us while she’s out of town.  This time I promised to rein in the devilish teacher that lurks inside of me and decided to redeem myself by minding my manners. 

We did all our work properly, no running laps for incorrect answers, and I even served up a healthy lunch.  Here’s hoping I get an A+ this time in academics and exceptional marks for my improved behavior!

We Now Resume Normal Broadcasting….

Yes, I have been derelict in my blogging pursuits…but as most of you know, I had the mother-in-law of all excuses! A summer wedding reception...here at home! I still haven’t gotten any wedding photos back, so a “Bride Blog” will have to wait. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming…and our quasi-normal lives.  Whew!

What the Hella's Cabela's?

We couldn't resist stopping by Cabela's while trekking through Utah. Cabela's, as Connor explains it, "is like a dream store for men". And because the men...er...boys insisted that we've done far more "girl stuff" on our trip to the Beehive State, we not only stopped at Cabela's, we made an afternoon of it and perused the store the way only a Skillman can-like it was Disneyland on the cheap! (Thank goodness Mark was not with us or we'd of gotten in far more mischief than we did-he's the ring-leader of all retail store ruckus and medical office mischief.)
We arrive just in time to watch this guy use all-natural cleaning products to clean the artificial river that flows from the artificial waterfall that springs forth mightily off the artificial mountain.
Now how many sporting goods stores will sell you a field cannon? Not many, I'll tell you that.
...and at a bargain price too. This baby WAS $5499.99! I paid way more than that for my last field cannon.
The boys head for the shooting gallery. Unfortunately for a dozen or so unsuspecting shoppers, they discovered that a few of the targets squirt water when you hit them. I think they spent about $10 in coins so they could keep luring curious kids and a few of their parents to walk by so they could get them wet. This poor kid in the blue shirt is about to get wet.
Oh glory be! Right in the middle of the store we found the mother lode of all sporting good treasures! Camouflage! Not your ordinary camo, camo on steroids!! Oh they just begged to be tried on! .
Seriously, I think Mitchell looked more like Sasquatch or the Swamp Thing than a hunter trying to "blend" into nature-unless he was hunting at a peat moss farm. The boys decided it would be fun to hang around ever so still next to racks and wait for folks to come by to scare. Then we decided it would be more fun to play hide and seek. Here Chloe is dressed as the seeker, and she will attempt to find her brothers who will be creeping around the store in their stylish suits. The game will start right after I go find a hunting whistle to blow.
Imagine how excited your house guests would be if they saw this fabulous table top photo album that can hold over 60 photos of your treasured hunting and fishing memories sitting on your coffee table. Hours of fun wouldn't you say? It was then that we decided to go on a treasure hunt of our own.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, we proudly searched every inch of Cabela's to bring you our round-up of the best sporting goods we think money can buy. Here are some of the more interesting items we found...

Chloe found this Camo baby onesie. How many fathers are really out there who take their baby's hunting with them and need a camo onesie for the little feller? And if there was such a dad, we wondered if a baby wearing camo to go on a hunting trip with him would be a good idea, because you know fathers tend to lose their children. And what exactly would said father say if the child wandered off and got lost and he had to then give a description of his missing baby?

"...Well, Mr. Park Ranger, uh, I guess you could say my baby looks a lot like the forest, only without that pine-fresh scent"
.
A light up hat, just in case it's now after dark and dad is still looking for his lost baby who he dressed in a camo onesie to go hunting.
This should certainly help your golf handicap.
Chloe found this marshmallow-shaped lollypop on a stick. Let's say you had trouble making a campfire so you couldn't make smores, this could be your backup dessert.
Connor found this chair that shades you from the sun (or rain in case you're camping in Oregon). That way you wouldn't have to feel like you were outside camping in the sun.
It even comes with a cooler in the arm rest, that way you don't have to make the long hike to the ice chest by the picnic table.
This bullet pen would be great for signing traffic tickets.
Ever thought your plain old tazer gun was boring and bland? Cabela's sells them in hot pink and neon blue! Connor and Chloe said they'd like them in their Christmas stockings next year. I quickly jotted that down for ol' St. Nick.
Seriously, I've been complaining for years that my duck call just doesn't sound authentic enough to lure in the right birds. This $199 one looks like it might have a better tone, now if I could just get a sales person over to demonstrate the difference for me...
Do you dare ever take these Camo Wellies off outside? I have enough trouble finding my regular shoes.
I saved my personal favorite for last...

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky. How cool do you have to be to have your own line of beef jerky? and in "FAMILY REUNION SIZE" no less!

Oh Cabela's, I could hunt you down, stuff you, and hang you on my wall in the office! You really are like no other retail store on Earth!