A House Divided

A mini scandal broke out at the Skillman house about 15 years into our marriage.  It's an Oregonian kinda scandal but I'm sure this sorta thing happens all over the country.

The tragedy occurred when Mark and I both discovered we were fans of opposing college teams.  Obviously, if it took 15 years to discover this discrepancy, we weren't die-hard fans to begin with, but nonetheless, it was very an alarming discovery.  Beavers and Ducks just don't mix.

Here in Oregon, as far as college football goes, you're either a Duck fan or a Beaver fan.  And even though Mark and I never even went to either University, just being an Oregonian forces you to have an opinion on these sort of matters.  I always just assumed any sensible well educated person would naturally be a Duck while Mark on the other hand decided it was better to be a Beaver.  We discovered this small marital glitch a few years back when someone asked us who we were rooting for during the Oregon Civil War, Mark and I simultaneously AND arduously declared opposite sides.  It was shocking.  Or at least mini-shocking.

In all honesty, Mark and I are really not die-hard football fans.  Our interest peaks around play-off time but that's sadly about it.  But, despite the lack of steady interest, we can get pretty heated when the Duck/Beaver discussion gets going.

I think this is because at heart, what we're really fans of, is competition.  Choosing up sides, declaring an enemy, and, most importantly, humiliating a loser.  This is the sort of unsportsmanlike conduct is, for a lack of a better word, sportsmanlike.  It's the sort of way you would never act when it comes to real life, but when you imbed this such ill-gotten behavior into sports, well, this peaks our interest!

So when our family was invited to go to a Civil War party at the Sharps house we had to go.   I was excited about going knowing that my dear yet highly misguided husband was very likely going to be the lone Beaver in the room while Mark, he just wanted to go in hopes of being the one and only person that left the party happy should the Beavers win (fat chance).

So of course we prepared for the big game by supporting our team colors.  Here Mark has successfully convinced Chloe to be a Beaver fan by luring her with Orange Cheetos and Black Oreos.  A classic case of Beaver Bribery which, quite possibly, is the only way to lure someone to willingly become a B-word.

The Superior Duck fans brought all green and yellow snacks for the game.  And while we prefer Cheetos and Oreos over Funyuns, we swore off eating anything vile orange for the day.

Because Mark calls U of O a "hippy school", Connor decided to proudly wear a dread lock hat for the day just to annoy his dad.        [A proud moment for a mother.]

I even took off my wedding ring for the day.  This is not the time to be married to a Beaver fan.  Chloe gave me some hairbands to replace it with. Which, goes to prove her Beaver loyalties are only based on Oreos.

When we arrived at the Sharps house they had designated fan parking.  Ducks park to the left...

...And Beaver fans to the right...

Mark parked to the right of the Duck sign so I promptly got out and moved the Beaver sign over.  This officially put us smack in between.

I will pause now for a moment so you can get your abacus out to help you count the plethora of cars parked in the Beaver Zone...oh nevermind, looks like you're done counting already.

We encountered an unexpected yet serious problem when we brought in our snacks.  Here, scandelously pictured, is Ellie.  Her shirt declares her Duck loyalties while her snack choice was clearly on the Beaver side.  I warned her not to eat anything orange or black until AFTER the game.

And, as I predicted, she jinxed the Ducks who got off to a shoddy start.

Thanks to the Sharp family's electronic bonanza, we were able to segregate fans.  The Duck fans watched in the Sharps theater...

...while we segregated the Beaver fans to the living room.  Lucky for Mark a few Beaver fans decided to show up.

Then we discovered a reward system for the leading team.  A chair massage, which, you got to sit in if your team was currently leading the game.

Mark sat here quite a bit at the beginning.  Mostly because of Ellie whom I caught AGAIN trying to be snack sneaky.

I warned her of the serious dangers and forbid her from ANY snacks if she didn't stop.

Once Ellie swore off Beaver snacks things started looking up for the Ducks.  This gave the Duck fans the rights to the massage chair...

...And gave Danny something to celebrate.  He's the expert duck caller.  [Incidentally, Beaver fans do not like it when Duck fans parade through their assigned fan space after their team has failed to block a touchdown.  Especially if said parade is lead by a crazed duck caller.]

And like a curious foreshadowing, the yellow and green M&M's began to be eaten at a faster rate than the Orange and Black.  This was when I knew the "hippy school" was going to enjoy some great karma.

A Resounding Victory!

And while winning the game was great, Mark's team losing was the real exhilaration.  Not to mention the relief I felt at not having to drive all the way home from Grants Pass as the underdog. That makes for a very uncomfortable drive home, just ask Mark.

That night after Mark went to bed, I snuck in and put a sticker on his bathroom mirror so that when he woke up in the morning he wouldn't forget one very important thing...

He's a loser.

Then I put my wedding ring back on, mini marriage crisis over.

TWENTY

In celebration of our 20th Wedding Anniversary I give you my

Top 20 list of sure-fire marital advice 

that's gotten us through the last twenty years:

1. Don't laugh at your spouse when they get hurt.  Especially if they got hurt doing something really stupid and it REALLY is funny.  And, if you should forget and accidentally break this rule, try really hard not to point at your spouse while you are in hysterics. 
2. Get a car with duel heat zones.
3. Establish a NO COUNTRY MUSIC policy BEFORE you get married.  Get it in writing.  Seal it in blood.
4. When you give a gift to your spouse, don't get one for yourself too.  The latter cancels out the former.  Unless it's a pair of Harley-Davidsons, then perhaps the selfish gesture could be overlooked.
5. Avoid correcting love notes for spelling and grammar.  The note sender will tend to want to take back all the nice things they've said...and then smack you upside the head in an ever so slight rampage.
6. Embezzling money from your joint checking account is only okay if you're using the unscrupulous funds to buy a gift for your unsuspecting spouse.  And once the gift is given, never ever reveal the particulars of how you were able to divert said funds without arousing their suspicion.  Just in case you have to do it again for your own selfish purposes.
7. Buying exercise equipment for your spouse is not considered a loving gesture.
8. Scuba Dive together.  Seriously, this will troubleshoot any of your communication problem areas.  You'll learn some handy gestures that work both underwater, on land, and even through security glass should one of you have to visit the other in jail. 
   
9. Referring to you wife as "your bride" even after 20 years of marriage scores you some big points.
10. Get her door.  Yes it's old fashioned.  Yes it's time consuming.  But it's totally impressive.
11. Grow a big lawn.  Husbands like to mow, it's therapeutic and often considered a competitive sport among the male species.  They like to brag about having the best grass in the neighborhood.  This keeps them outside where they will get in less trouble...and it's cheaper than most other hobbies.  A wife who's got a small yard, heaven help her.
12. Never play Monopoly together.  This is marital suicide. 
13. Occasionally remind your spouse of marriage vows they didn't actually make.  You'll find they were so nervous when the actual ceremony took place that they will never admit they don't really remember making that particular vow.  It will surprise you what you can get them to do, all because they don't want to have to admit to you that they weren't really paying attention!
14. In the Pre-Nup, designate who will clean up blood, guts, and barf.  Get it notarized.  The last thing you want to decide on during the maiden voyage into the slimy and disgusting part of parenthood is who exactly is on clean-up duty and when and if their shift ends.  Things can go very wrong if you haven't worked out this important quandary far ahead of these sort of horrific episodes.  Especially if neither of you planned on doing this at all---ever.
15. Rock, Paper, Scissors is the best way to solve marital disagreements.  This has decided a lot of our unsolvable quandaries; everything from who gets to name the baby to who has to clean up the puke.  Just make sure you establish whether the first round decides your fate or if you're playing for the best two out of three. Because if you disagree on this, the game of Rock, Paper, and Scissors can't solve that.
16. Get a king-sized bed.  If this piece of advise doesn't sound like a good idea, you've probably never been elbowed in the face in the middle of the night.  Trust me, you'll want to incorporate this into your marriage long BEFORE it becomes necessary.  Just go ahead and do it now. 
17. Don't marry a morning person if your a night owl.  Their happiness and glee at 5am will totally annoy you for the rest of your married life.
18. Pass mushy notes back and forth via your kids.  Our kids roll their eyes each time we play this game.  We call it, "Here, hand this to your father/mother".  We play for hours, passing notes back and forth with slightly risque dialog-just enough to embarrass the kids.  Be sure to fold the note several times and warn them NOT to read it, that way they'll be sure to take a peek and die of embarrassment.
19. Read self-help books and discreetly highlight the stuff your spouse needs to work on.  They'll think you're lovingly working on your own self-improvement and feel a compulsion to read your book when you've finished it.  Then voila!  Operation Transformation!  NOTE: This only works two or three times during the life-span of any given marriage so make sure every book counts.
20. Time Outs work on husbands too.  Remember the rule of thumb, one minute for every year of their age.

You know you've been married a long time when the sunglasses 

you wore when you were dating are cool again.