A Morbid Post

Okay, I knew that if I posted the REAL title for this blog post it would alarm everyone.  So search inside yourself and see if you really want to read on.  Are you ready for it?  Seriously, take a few quick breaths...
[oh, and if you happen to be my mother, you may want to sit down.]

The real title of this post is:

"How I Plan to Bury My Mother!"

Yep, you read that right.  And no, my mother is not dying.  And double no, I'm not planning on harming her in any way.  She's as healthy and as gluten-free as ever.  I'm just doing a little pre-planning.  Admittedly, I know that's a little weird and morbid (especially the excited exclamation at the end of the title).  But you can't say I didn't warn you, it's your own fault really.  This blog is my confessional after all.  An eruption of thoughts that just ooze out unexpectedly.  And you, whomever you are, you just keep reading it.

So just what got me thinking about burying my dear mother??  Christmas.  I've been putting away all the ornaments, unstringing lights, and packing it all up for next year and the thoughts of celebrations present and  past have reached an all-time Christmas crescendo in regards to certain gifting habits of my dear mother. Let me explain...

Each celebration, be it Christmas or birthday (and most of our birthdays fall around Christmastime), my amazing mom never forgets to bestow us with gifts.  And, as always, these gifts are of the most thoughtful sort.  She really focuses on the receiver and spends time thinking about what would make the perfect gift.  She is amazing at this.  An undisputed gift giving champion.

But with every Ying, you realize, there is a Yang.  And her Yang happens to be the wrapping and bestowing part.  This part often leaves us suspiciously guessing and in urgent need of a band-aid.  It is the silliest thing I've ever seen.  And, as luck would have it, throughout December, I was able to capture some of the details on my camera...

• Detail #1 The Wrapping:  Below is an example of my mother's wrapping.  It is perfection.  The paper is thematic according to the receiver's celebration, gender, and interests.  Corners and creases are flawless.  Tape is minimal and inconspicuous.  The bow is always perfect and TIGHTLY wrapped and tied so that the human finger, no matter how adept, cannot loosen it without the aide of something sharp and hazardous. This deceptively elegant bow that my mother uses in the photo below, is something she recently switched to, as she suddenly favors the minimal look of a wide single band, expertly taut and tied in a simple impenetrable bow.  In the past, she was an avid curling ribbon connoisseur who tied multiple layers of ribbon so thickly that you could hardly see the wrapping beneath the tangle of finished curls. This latter method, in order to breach,  also required expert skills with cutlery.  We are very lucky no one in the history of unwrapping Grandma Bear's gifts has had to be scurried off by ambulance for stitches and blood transfusions. However, it has resulted in many a paper cut, which is no less painful and traumatizing.
  

• The Box:  Once you bypass the harrowing gift wrap stage, you are now in the second phase of gift opening.  The box.  Here is the hard and fast rule if you are going to survive this step.  Never, and I mean NEVER trust the box. 
  

 Here is Connor opening his birthday present...

Notice the delight shinning in a young boys eyes...

and those crazed eyebrows.

The box is for a portable DVD player!

...but the gift, well, it was a magazine subscription.

Now the subscription was a really cool and thoughtful gift.

Connor had been begging for just that.

However, when the gift you want is put in a box with something

you might want EVEN MORE, well, that changes things.

Now here is Mark's box:

 A digital camera!

But wait...what's actually inside?

Notice my mother in the background and the smirk on her face.

Here's my niece Cailey, with her box:

A cell phone box!  What teenager wouldn't love that?

But why the scowl Cailey??

Well, she's not new at this Gramma Bear gift game and

knows this is probably NOT what's inside...and it isn't.

And whatever it was, it wasn't a cell phone.

...and now when the Gramma Bear gift coaster has clamored
down the tracks with all its twists and turns you've
arrived at the most thrilling part...

clack, clack, clack...

• The Stuff:  This is the point where things quickly go downhill.  The otherwise delightful gift is about to pale in comparison to the cover photo on the box in which it was wrapped.  As you open the box, with bandaged and bloody fingers, begging for the ride to stop, hang on, it's about to start snowing!
  

A flurry of white Packing Peanuts!  My static cling nemesis!

And no sooner do you turn your attention to the

Styrofoam blizzard swirling about your REAL gift somewhere

inside the box and divert your attention away from my mother,

she lurches out and grabs at the stuff...

...and boxes it all up to use for another gift.

So this got me thinking...and that's what led me to  

How I Plan to Bury My Mother!

Of course, cross my paper-cut fingers, and hope she'll never die, but just in case the time comes far off in the distant future... I've got it all worked out.

Because you never know if someone may have to exhume her body for some scientific experiment on the inner workings of the brain of a gratuitous gift-giver.  So I've developed a plan my mother would be proud of!

First, I plan to fill the coffin with Styrofoam peanuts to its absolute bursting point.  I wouldn't want my mother to be damaged in route to her own burial.   

Then I shall take a hoard of curling ribbon, likely to be found in my very own mother's closet at this very minute, and wind it tightly in all directions to sufficiently criss-cross and seal her coffin shut.  Then I will spend a few days with a sharp pair of scissors arranging a giant decorative mound of curls on the top.

Then the final step.  I shall find a giant life-size barbie doll and buy it just for the box.  Finally, I'll stuff the coffin inside the giant barbie box, add more Styrofoam peanuts, wrap it in teddyBEAR paper and voila!  A total tribute to my mother.  Thoughtfully Morbid don't you think??   Oh won't they be surprised when an unsuspecting exhumer discovers that there's really a brunette inside!  My mother will be so proud!